Those Who Wake Up in Love

Love seems to be growing rarer and rarer in this world, doesn’t matter which kind I’m talking about. There’s vitriol and hostility everywhere — on all sides. I get it, I suppose. Love in every form requires vulnerability and courage. These days everyone on so many levels is tired of feeling vulnerable. It’s all too obvious as well that courage and personal strength and the ability to take care of other people are expended resources.

So, in the words of the world’s greatest living romantic nihilistic cynic, Tony Johnson (Ricky Gervais) in the wonderful TV show After Life:

“… (long sigh …) Ah, fuck me!”

Tony Johnson (Ricky Gervais)

And yet, somehow, I’m pretty sure a good many people on this good green earth continue to wake up in love every morning. They can’t help it. I’m thinking of those still romantically connected to their partners; those with unshakable friendships; and whole families in general, no matter how distant and separated by coronavirus.

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Thank-You for Making Your Broken Bird World

Yesterday I bid adieu to my Facebook wall and all the people who live there (for as long as I can, I think).

It felt really interesting to wake up this morning. That strange convolution was no longer tangled up inside my skull, cloaking my brain. What a strange thing not to realize every day for seven years.

So, maybe, it’s back to communicating the way I used to. The poem below is adapted from a letter to a friend I shall miss daily now, because Facebook isn’t bad, it’s just there and it makes using words easier than maybe using them should be.

Thank-you for Making Your Broken-Bird World

(For Nancy Anonymous)
Your land of broken birds is a set of 
427 switches 
So delightfully random yet crafted
As if out of scented wax, feathers, 
Star crusts and weed flowers. 
The effect of reading them is the same 
Effect you'd get in a deep forest 
When you find a lever on a tree 
That you click up and down really fast 
To the point where you don't know if it's 
Your eyes fluttering open and shut, or 
The whole world is flickering and you're 
The only one that notices 
Anymore/anyway 
Because, of course, the biggest problem 
In life is getting so used to things that go 
On and off people take them for granted
Or let them become boring, like love, it seems now,
Which is why I stand with my hand on the lever
Tonight
And why your work is so important. 
This is what you have called 
A Broken-Bird World. Right?

Wind-Toads at Night: A Very Short Story

Source: Toad Pencil
Source: Toad Pencil

We had a huge cold front come in right around 9:00 last night. The temperature dropped fast from 52-degrees Fahrenheit to 20-degrees Fahrenheit, and by our 10:30 bedtime the wind was blowing hard. Our bedroom wall is northwest facing and somewhat unprotected, with no wind-block trees or shrubs or walls. The property backs onto a college campus with a good five acre field that lets the wind streak across unobstructed whenever weather spins out of the northwest. Our bedroom wall gets pummeled by roaring air, our windows rattle and shake like something is trying to get in.

So I awoke at 12:30 to howling gusts that had to be hitting 50-60 mph. I could not sleep for nearly an hour until Marla woke up too and began immediately to chat with me about the howling wind-toads. She could have been a scientist so matter-of-fact is she about the things she brings up out of sleep.

I said, “Wind toes?” She said, “No. Toads.”

I said, “Really? Toads flying on the wind?” She said, “Nope. Just wind-toads…half wind, half toad.”

I asked if that meant we would have toast in the morning.

She said “Nope. Toads! We’re going to have toads for breakfast but we’re going to have to get the wind part out of them first.” I pointed out it might be easier to get the toads to jump off the wind.

We left it at that and snuggled in the dark with the wind howling like wild toads deep in a forest. But as I drifted into sleep, knowing how much I loved her, I wondered if wind-toads even knew that human beings existed. Maybe they were just doing what they’re supposed to do and would feel bad if they understood that they were scaring a couple of middle aged people out of sleep on a lonely late winter Wednesday night.

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Notes on the Heart of Darkness: Ex-Urban Wildernesses

Photo Credit: Photo Gallery from the Canada-Wide Science Fair

When someone speaks knowingly of a heart of darkness somewhere, understand that they don’t realize this heart is only an opening or an entrance into something that is hard to understand. Inside a real heart of darkness there are dimensions. We’re not just talking about a black smudge of mystery signifying the beginning of a cave. What is inside that cave matters far more than some mystical representation Continue reading

Smashwords Rocks: My Books at Your Price and the Philosophy of Modern Fiction

A few days ago I posted my novel Beyond the Will of God to Smashwords.com as my first experience with the book distribution upstart. Yesterday I posted both of my story collections, Trying to Care: A Story Collection and Implosions of America: Nine Stories.

It’s a bit of a chore formatting your work to run through the Smashwords meatgrinder (why don’t they call it a wordgrinder?), but once you succeed the website is a very writer and reader friendly place. I strongly urge you to go there and buy all of my books as soon as you finish this brief post. Two of the three are set up with the “You Set the Price” payment option. Implosions is still being sold at a premium of $5.99. It will always be sold at that price. Why? Because it’s a collection of damn fine stories that rival any you will find anywhere. See it featured at Short Fiction Spotlight here or check out the 5-Star (★★★★★) review at the Kindle Magazine El Dink here. Continue reading

Along With Ecstasy: an Ex:Urbia ex:cerpt

Below is a work-in-progress passage from my novel Ex:Urbia.

Singapore Marriott Hotel

 Along With Ecstasy

I pass a crumpled pickup on the road tonight heading home from the city. I had given a dinner speech at the Center City Marriott on contract fund management. Red and blue police lights spin in the darkness, a slight fog enshrouds distant traffic lights candied lime, lemon and cherry — an awful combination. One person lies on the ground, another staggers toward the police car. It is fragility that drives us inward at moments like this. We see danger, or are reminded of death, and retreat seems the only option. Retreat into the mind. Retreat into fear. And yet, how precious, anyway, this worthless life. It’s all we have. I am Julia Davenport and the world revolves around me the same way it does around you.

Fear was already beating in my chest when I stepped onto the sidewalk away from the shimmering lights that line the driveway to the Marriott after talking about money and public works projects for an hour. I know it was fear. I don’t like that feeling. I was afraid that first night with Danny. I was afraid my first day at work. I am afraid so much of the time. I feel okay by myself at the mall or driving. Being alone out in public has that effect on me. I like Continue reading

Everyone Gets a Scarlet Letter: Love in the Time of Implosions

Photo: Warren Harold – http://www.thatwasmyfoot.com/

We’ve been through more than a decade of struggle now, haven’t we? There’s that economy thing that’s been eating at all of us this past three years. But there’s also the insanity of extremist violence and murderous intent directed randomly at those of us who are innocent.

All of this seems to have at least temporarily altered the core sense that most of us have of what counts in life. What seems to have happened is not that we’ve changed our values or our definition of the meaning of life, so much as we’ve forgotten the importance of those issues and their bedrock necessity.

This stuff ain’t going away. It’s no ones fault. Economic and social chaos have always been with us. These days, though, this chaos is amplified because of the reach of media, the density of world population, and the fact that peace and happiness in Continue reading

Real Romance: Implosions of America

My fellow Americans, we are all so stupid and wishy-washy about love. Those of us in our 50s and beyond are also faced almost daily with the weird little gremlin of loss — loss of parents, loss of friends, loss of libido, loss of joy, loss of sanity, loss of things to hide beyond.

I shake my head here. So many people I know, my fellow parents, have spent their best years lying to themselves and driving their cars. We stop these games long enough to watch TV and drink. Haven’t we been confused? Continue reading